I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She announced her abortion via fbk
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
