Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
