Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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