no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
