Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
