Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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