Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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