he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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