Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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