I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
