When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
