the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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