I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
