Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you didnt know i had herpes?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
