every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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