my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They took my balls.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
