dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
