Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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