Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
