y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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