How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
