I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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