You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She's not a foreskin expert like you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
