i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
