tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
