I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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