Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
