so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Someone shattered a urinal.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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