he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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