so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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