My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
