he puts the penis in happiness.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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