every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
