I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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