matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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