My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
