Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
