I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
