I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
