I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
