make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize