And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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