I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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