I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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