Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
