I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
