I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
