Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your penis caused this!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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