i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
