I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
