I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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