I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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