"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
