so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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