did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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