Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she smelled like a LAN party
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What drink are we having for lunch?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
