This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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